


Breaking

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Kane (Band), Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Drama, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-12
Updated: 2008-10-01
Packaged: 2018-09-08 01:41:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8825173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: The multi-chapter sequel "Goodbye my Almost Lover...", so you should really read that first. You don't really *have* to, it will make sense without... But I strongly reccomend it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

Jared sat up sharply in bed, not really understanding why he had tear tracks on his cheeks, why he felt like his heart had just exploded... Why that dream had been so vivid...

 

~~~

 

_He saw the door, he knew that door, knew what was behind it..._

_Jared opened the door and walked in, his heart breaking as he saw Jensen's broken form sitting under his window..._

_He held out his hand when Jensen looked at him, and Jensen took it without question..._

_Jared laid his hands on Jensen's neck and wiped away his tears, then he kissed him..._

_And then the world disappeared..._

_And his heart exploded._

 

~~~

 

He pulled in a haggard breath and walked into the bathroom, glaring at his reflection. Why did he hurt so much?

 

He splashed water on his face and snapped the light back off.

 

The air conditioning was cool against his skin, he shivered and slid back under the blanket. Sandy murmured in her sleep and tried to curl into his warmth. He looked at her, and felt ashamed. She would never know that she was just second best. 

 

Would never know that she was with him simply because he wasn't brave enough to follow his heart.

 

He shuddered, feeling disgusted with himself.

 

She was only there because he was so afraid of what would have happened if he had been honest...

 

He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the pressure on his stomach, tried to ignore the lump in his throat, tried to ignore the shattered pieces of his heart slicing his insides.

 

He drifted into an uneasy sleep, praying for nothing more than another dream of his true love...

 

Sadly, before he even had time to start a dream, something woke him up.

 

The phone, it was ringing in the early light.

 

Sandy reached over and got it, tossing a questioning look at Jared that he knew was already pasted on his own face.

 

"Hello?" she asked, her voice a mix of tired and confusion that as heavily shadowed with irritation.

 

"Yes, he's here; may I ask to what this is regarding?" Sandy covered the mouth piece and held out the phone to him. "It's about Jensen?" she whispered.

 

And Jared froze. He wasn't one of those people that believed in the power of dreams, but for once he couldn't brush off the feeling that he was missing something huge, something right under his nose... He reached numbly for the phone.

 

"Hello?"

 

**Jared?**

 

"Yeah?"

 

**Um, it's Steve...**

 

"Steve? What's going on with Jensen?"

 

**Jensen's dead, Jared.**

 

Jared chucked the phone at Sandy and ran towards the bathroom, burning his throat.

 

Sandy came in a moment later, the phone in her hand. She rubbed his back as he wiped his mouth and gestured for the phone again.

 

"What... What happened?"

 

He heard a shape in-take of breath on the other end, **He killed himself, Jared... Over dose. Found him in the tub...**

 

Jared heard himself make some sort of wounded sound in the back of his throat and swallowed around the bile rising in his throat once more. "When?"

 

**Some time this morning... Look, I know the two of you haven't talked in a while... I just, I thought you'd want to know.**

 

"I did... I do... Um... I have to go now..." Jared hung up the phone in a trance.

 

"Jared? JT, baby, what's wrong?"

 

Jared looked up at Sandy from where he was kneeling in front of the toilet. She was sitting on the lip of the tub. He retched again, pulling away from her hand. 

 

"Jen... Jensen's dead..."

 

The words sounded hollow and false to his ears, it wasn't possible. He didn't register her gasp, didn't register the feel of her arms around him, didn't hear the words she whispered to comfort him.

 

He slowly stood up and walked down stairs. A while later he heard Sandy come in, heard her ask him something, but he didn't register it.

 

_You dreamed of him, so many times, but this was different. You knew it was... You could have told him, it would have been better than how you feel now..._

 

His body was a giant mass of pain. He poured himself another scotch. It sent a good burn down his throat. It was a pain he could tolerate. 

 

_Jensen killed himself because you weren't there, because he couldn't talk to anyone. He told you that. He told you that he only felt like he could talk to you..._

_And then you got scared, thought if he knew he'd leave you... So you left him first... Left him all alone, and look... Just look what happened. You killed him, Jared, you know that you did-_

 

"Shut up!" he screamed at the voice in his head, throwing the glass at the wall. His anger faded as he heard Sadie and Harley run upstairs, afraid of the noise. He looked at the shards of glass on the floor... The scotch staining the wall...

 

He closed his eyes and shook his head. After a moment he sank to the floor and scooped up the bigger pieces, leaving the smaller ones for the broom.

 

As he dumped them into the trash he looked at his hand, the hand he had clutched the glass in. There were random cuts and gouges there, more red...more cheerful than was allowed.

 

He held his hand under the running water and hissed at the burn of the hot water against the raw flesh. He held it there for longer than he needed to, and then flipped it off; he didn't deserve the relief.

 

He grabbed the broom and dust pan from the closet and swept up the scotch covered slivers of glass in a trance. Not because he knew it was the right thing to do, not because he was worried about Sadie or Harley... Mainly because for just a split second, part of a heart beat it gave him something else to focus on... He dumped it into the trash and put the broom and dust pan back.

 

He sank back on to the couch, hoping the voice in his head would stay silent. Sadie came in slowly and jumped onto the couch, laying down next to him with her head on his leg. He looked at her blankly and then grabbed the bottle of scotch, taking a swallow right from it.

 

He didn't trust himself with a glass right now...

 

He could hear the voice starting to nag at him, so he took another sharp swallow; it didn't help. He flipped on the stereo and blasted the first song he heard coming through clearly on the radio...

 

“Oh, my life is changing ev'ryday, In ev'ry possible way. ... And oh, my dreams,” Jared's head snapped up sharply at the words, “It's never quiet as it seems, Never quiet as it seems. 

 

“I know I've felt like this before, But now I'm feeling it even more, Because it came from you,” Jared stared the speakers, the words... They were right to him he could swear. “And then I open up and see... The person falling here is me,” he flinched.

 

“A diff'rent way to be... I want more, impossible to ignore, Impossible to ignore... And they'll come true, impossible not to do, Impossible not to do...

 

“And now I tell you openly, You have my heart so don't hurt me,” Jared closed his eyes, it didn't stop the tears, “You're what I couldn't find... A totally amazing mind, So understanding and so kind; 

 

“You're ev'rything to me,” Jared tipped more scotch into his mouth, “Oh my life is changing ev'ryday, Every possible way... And oh, my dreams, it's never quiet as it seems, 'Cause you're a dream to me....”

 

Jared whispered the words to Jensen quietly as they were sang again, “You're a dream to me....”


	2. Chapter 1

Jared stumbled up the stairs and looked blearily at… At… Sandy, right, Sandy. She was crying and holding onto Harley for dear life. Her entire body was shaking with the force of her sobs as she buried her face in the dog’s neck. 

 

When had he finished that bottle? Scotch was very, very bad. He turned away from her and heard her cry harder, but he couldn’t really bring himself to care at the moment, he had more important things to do. Like pack for Jensen’s funeral. He swallowed some bile, and pulled a suitcase down from a shelf in his closet. He grabbed clothes at random.

 

Well, mostly random- They were all black after all. He pulled a pair of black jeans on over the boxers he slept in and unearthed the black AC/DC t-shirt Jen had given him one day after they’d gotten drenched. It made his eyes sting with tears as he realized that it somehow still smelled of Jensen after all this time.

 

He walked to another closet and pulled down a hanging bag. He grabbed a black suit, pulling the white shirt from under the jacket and hanging a black shirt with it instead. He zipped the bag and tossed it onto the bed. He gather some more black clothes and chucked them into the suit case next to him as well, then he sank to the floor and held it closed with one giant hand as he zipped it with the other.

 

He stood up, lifting the black bag as he did. He turned around, stumbling a bit drunkenly as he did. He cocked his head to the side as he looked at Sandy. Her eyes were red and swollen, tears streaming down her face, she wiped the back of her hand under her nose messily smearing snot and tears. 

 

“JT, who are you? What have you become? You never would have scared Sadie and Harley like that… Me like this…” He shrugged a little, “I have to get a plane, have to go to Jen’s funeral… Bye, Sandy… I’ll find another place to live, if I come back at all.”

 

“Wh… What…?” She whimpered, pulling Harley to her. 

 

“We both know I loved him more than I will ever love you, why keep pretending?” he said, the small amount of blood in his alcohol stream doing nothing to stop him from being brutally honest. She let out a horrified, pained whimper as she acknowledged the truth of the statement. He nodded once, sharply, and turned to leave.

 

“JT… Don’t… Don’t do this… Please don’t do this,” she whispered, and he looked back to see her reaching for him from the bed. He didn’t bother to say what they both knew was the truth. They both already knew that he had to. 

 

He called a taxi from his cell phone and waited outside for it, assuming -correctly- that Sandy wouldn’t come after him.

 

He dozed fitfully against the cool window pane as he was driven to the airport. 

 

“You know,” the driver said conversationally, “They probably won’t let you fly in your condition…”

 

“Why don’t we just let me worry about that.” Jared would have snarled if he could have brought himself to care enough; luckily for the driver though, he could barely muster up the energy to realize that he’d dumped Sandy- Something he should have done ages ago.

 

When he got to the airport, he knew that the cabbie was correct, and bought a ticket for the first flight the next morning. He was due to land in Vancouver tomorrow at noon.

 

Fun thing, sitting in an airport café drunk off your ass. All the ads and random flashing lights made him feel a bit sea sick. Oh, yes; fun indeed.

 

Jared laid his head on his arms and stared at his feet, swinging them slightly back and forth. 

 

Who knew how long he sat there before he fell asleep, but he woke from a nightmare around six AM.

 

He ordered a large coffee with three additional espresso shots to help sober him and then bought a disposable razor for some obscene amount of money and managed not to nick his face or throat more than three times before he looked as Jen and he used to put it, like a little boy again, and could call it quits. Delightful. 

 

He boarded the plane at first call and sat in his first class seat with his eyes closed, waiting until he finally felt some movement and then he motioned for a pair of headphones from the flight attendant. 

 

He plugged them in and flipped through a few satellite radio stations before giving up and settling in for what was bound to be and endless flight to the rest of his life.

 

He sighed heavily and closed his eyes, after a night of horror, drinking, and finally a single nightmare, Jared drifted off…

 

Jensen was laying in his bathtub, and Jared found himself sitting on the toilet seat; alas, when he opened his mouth to speak, he was frozen still as Jensen came into focus.

 

Jen’s lips were blue, his eyes that blue/gray/white filmy color that corpuses sometime had. It made his stomach turn, and he bit back bile as Jensen stood an laid a cold, clammy, damp hand against Jared’s cheek and began to croak a song.

 

“ _How can you see into my eyes like open doors?_ ” Jared’s heavy heartbeat pumped loudly in his ears, “ _Leading you down into my core, Where I’ve become so numb- Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back home._ ”

“Wake me up,” Jared begged, looking into blank, unseeing dead eyes.

 

“ _Wake me up inside._ ”

 

“I can’t wake up,” Jared realized.

 

“ _Wake me up inside._ “

 

“Save me,” Jared begged stupidly, realizing that Jensen was the one that should have been saved.

 

“ _Call my name and save me from the dark,_ “ Jensen sang, and Jared felt a tear leak down his cheek as Jensen’s other hand curled around his neck. “Wake me up,” Jared pleaded stupidly.

 

“ _Bid my blood to run,_ “ Jensen pleaded right back. 

 

“I can’t wake up.” 

 

“ _Before I come undone,_ “ Jensen continued, as if he hadn’t even heard Jared’s ridiculous observation. “Save me,” Jared said, but his throat dried up as Jensen shook his head, “ _Save **me** from the nothing I’ve become._ “

Jared was reluctant to wrap his arms around Jensen -when he stood up?- but the more that Jensen said, the more clear things became. Jensen was wearing black jeans and a forest green button down shirt. The material was so soft, it had to be satin or silk, but it felt softer than those both. 

 

Jensen wiped another tear from Jared’s cheek and looked deeply into his eyes, “ _Now that I know what I’m without, You can't just leave me- Breathe into me and make me real_ ,” Jensen pleaded, “ _Bring me to life_.”

"Wake me up."

 

“ _Wake me up inside_.”

 

"I can’t wake up"

 

“ _Wake me up inside_.”

 

"Save me," Jared whispered, and as he did, he realized his grasp was empty. 

 

“ _Call my name and save me from the dark_ ,” Jensen’s voice echoed, and Jared pulled open the bathroom door and walked from the small room outside to what looked like the entrance to a hedge maze. 

 

"Wake me up," he called, as if playing some twisted game of Marco/Polo with the elder man.

 

“ _Bid my blood to run_ ,” Jensen’s voice echoed back, and as Jared shut the door behind him, the doorknob disappeared, melting into the hedge along with the door.

 

"I can’t wake up.” Jared realized again, but he stepped into the maze all the same, heading towards Jensen’s voice as he heard him again, “ _Before I come undone_.”

 

"Save me," Jared called.

 

“ _Save me_ ,” Jensen agreed, “ _from the nothing I’ve become_.”

Bring me to life, the wind seemed to taunt. I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside, he heard the harsh whisper as he searched for Jensen. Bring me to life, the wind haunted again.

Jared whirled around a corner, freezing for a moment as Jensen began to sing again, this time from the opposite direction Jared had heard before, “ _Frozen inside- without your touch, without your love, darling, only you are the life among the dead._ “

 

Jared froze, at the end of the last statement, and then closed his eyes and began to speak, “All this time I can't believe I couldn't see, Kept in the dark- But you were there in front of me.”

 

“ _I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems,_ “ Jensen’s voice taunted him from every direction, “ _Got to open my eyes to everything._ “

 

“Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul,” Jared rambled, twisting in the same spot, unable to decide which path to take.

 

“ _Don't let me die here_ ,” Jen’s beg once again echoed from every direction. 

 

“There must be something more,” Jared begged, ready to fall to his knees. 

 

“ _ **Bring me to life**_.” Jensen’s cry was all encompassing, and it gave Jared even more resolve.

"Wake me up," Jared murmured, hoping this Marco/Polo game would work once more.

 

“ _Wake me up inside_.” Some twisted part of Jared wanted to cheer when he heard Jen’s voice echo back to him from behind, "I can’t wake up"

 

“ _Wake me up inside_.”

 

"Save me," Jared called to the shrouded sky uselessly. 

 

“ _Call my name and save me from the dark_ ,” Jensen echoed, closer now.

 

"Wake me up."

 

“ _Bid my blood to run_ -”  
"I can’t wake up,” Jared murmured running a hand over the maze wall as he sprinted towards the disembodied voice. “- _Before I come undone._ ,” Jensen finished, uninterrupted.

 

"Save me," Jared prayed again, knowing in some corner of his mind that it was pointless.

 

“ _Save me from the nothing I’ve become_.” Jensen’s voice was _so_ close now.

" _Bring me to life_." Jared rounded the corner a prayer in his heart and a curse on his lips. He wanted to cry in relief, but the tears from earlier had never subsided. He pulled the man he loved into his arms and whispered in his ear, “I’ve been living a lie- there’s nothing inside.” 

 

" _Bring me to life_ ,” Jensen begged one last time, and as Jared closed his eyes and pressed their lips together Jensen turned to dust in his grasp.

 

Jared woke in a cold sweat to find that they’d landed.


End file.
